How can I be more present? Accept the Present Moment? "Make friends with The Now"? Become less fearful?
I feel as though I have been in constant struggle for the last three years. Yes, the struggle interspersed with moments of joy, love, travel, and fun; yet as I look back at 2015, 2014, and most of 2013, I recall fear, employment difficulties followed by financial struggles, relationship turmoil, major health issues, injuries, and a lot of bad choices that amplified the above. I've lost ground that I can't seem to gain back. Sometimes it seems I'm so deep in the quicksand, that rescue or escape is impossible. I am truly tired of the strugge to survive too. Just bone-tired. My plasma is tired people.
Instead of just re-hashing all my troubles, I'd prefer to figure out how to change my thinking so that circumstances don't affect me so much. The bottom line is: stuff happens, and it only affects you negatively if you perceive it as such. I think what has and is happening in my life sucks, and so it does. I dislike my living situation, and that dislike creates negative feelings and just makes it all worse. I am worried about money, and yet, today, I have plenty. I'm worried about future money, which makes me uptight and anxious and afraid, and right now, I have plenty of money and all my physical needs met. I have a place to live, transportation, regular work as a Sub, plenty of clothes, and plenty of food. This is what I mean about making friends with the present moment. I need to breathe and come back to that over and over: Accept the present moment, make friends with the present moment, accept the Now as though I had created it.
"Now" is always an okay place. "Now" is always secure.
I'm trying, and I will keep on trying.
For Now! ;-)
“Apathy and depression are the prices we pay for having settled for and bought into our smallness. It’s what we get for having played the victim and allowed ourselves to be programmed. It’s the price we pay for having bought into negativity. It’s what results from resisting the part of ourselves that is loving, courageous, and great. It results from allowing ourselves to be invalidated by ourselves or others; it is the consequence of holding ourselves in a negative context. In reality, it is only a definition of ourselves that we have unwittingly allowed to happen. The way out is to become more conscious.”
Excerpt From: David R. Hawkins. “Letting Go.”
I'm still struggling from the consequences of the horrific relationship I endured with Todd Langton. I still find myself embittered and angered at him for all the lies he told, along with the verbal abuse, manipulation, and control I suffered. I look back and can't imagine how I allowed myself to be treated so poorly, except that I was afraid. My life is in a shambles and I still blame him for it: threatening to throw me out of the house when I was a full-time student and not working, after he had promised on numerous occasions to provide for me if I returned to the US. He knew I would be unemployed and unable to find adequate work until I finished school and my state certifications. Here I am, struggling and stressed and unable to secure good work because I still haven't been able to take the state exams. Yes, I do blame him for the state I am in right now. He beat me down emotionally and spiritually. I am grateful I got out before his violent words and threats turned to physical violence; it was only steps away from him turning physically abusive...
I read about so many well-renowned writers who lived lives of isolation to write for hours of each day, drank too much, travelled the world, and were either shy, retreating souls, or bombastic bon vivants.
What this tells me is that I need to drink a lot more.
... move abroad and keep going, and write in my isolation and free time. If I could support myself writing (like starting now, ha ha), live abroad, and not fall into the folly of loneliness, I would. I have too many interests to sit at my desk and write for hours each day, then work on top of that. How did they do it?
I need a patron.
...Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes