Resolved at once.
Slowly untie knots
Divide to conquer."
"Problems cannot be
Resolved at once.
Slowly untie knots
Divide to conquer."
The more I read and self-circumspect, the more realization I have that everything changes and even I change (in ways I was not planning on) and I need to accept those changes. My biggest struggle is being tired physically, emotionally, energetically (really, a universal fatigue) and feeling too much "ennui" as a result, to do anything either to align with the fatigue (positive: acceptance) or fight it (negative response: refusal of reality). So while I know exercise will make me feel better on all levels and increase my physical energy levels, I'm too damn tired to follow through on my intention to start running...bikram...cycling...walking to work...all of the above. And while I acknowledge that drinking increases the fatigue the next day and only brings temporary satisfaction, I feel at a loss for what else to do to numb the misery. Which leads to an understanding that when I numb the bad feelings, I also numb my ability to feel the good feelings and therefore I only speed up the vicious cycle. The downward spiral of energetic fatigue becomes a maelstrom of bad feelings, hence, depression. And there I am at the black bottom again, no light visible. I can't see a way out and don't have the energy to pull myself up from the depths even if I could see some light. So now what?
Once again, I return to the realization that if I am tired, I need to rest more. But without the numbing avoidant behaviors...how? I don't have the answer. If I am going through this phase of fatigue, how can I accept it and use it in a way that would be beneficial to my overall life and long-term health and happiness? I've always had an over-abundance of energy, and I was the Force of Change. I Acted On Things, not the opposite. I have not been at the receiving end before--so helpless. My Will and Determination seem to have left me as well. Maybe they were just too damn tired of being used to exhaustion.
We'll see. I'm not sure what will happen. At this point, I still have enough conscious Me left to Try Again. Or Continue Trying. I'll read some more Brene Brown, who's message is currently speaking to me; I'll keep getting up early with the intention to exercise...yoga, Qi Gong, pranayama, walk, run, ride, Bikram, whether I do it or not; I'll keep writing and debating these thought that bring me down; I'll go to school everyday and do my best to give my best to my precious little people; and I'll get up determined to have a good day whether it ends with me as a heap on my bed dismembering my psyche and heart by tuning out and off with KDrama and some choco... or not.
The Whirlpool, Quicksand, Gravity...and other things that suck you down with a slurping sound or end with SPLAT!
Once caught in the cycle of negativity, it's sooooo terrifically difficult to get out of that pattern. Taoism instructs me to master change; i.e., expect it, accept it, flow with it. Therefore I should be able to leap gracefully over the depressive suckage of quicksand, innately knowing "this too shall pass", because nothing remains the same. Yet, I feel blinded by these repeated dark spells and frequently find myself losing any hint of that godsdamn "light at the end of the tunnel". I am supposed to face these repeated challenges with my "essential nature intact", though somehow, like Pan's shadow moving independently, I seem to have lost that nature or the ability to hang on to it. Perhaps because I was hanging on to life so tightly to just survive, I had to let that go, or fall. Life finally seems to have had its fill with toying with Gina, and then No! Let's punch her in the face again and see if she can take another hit! Seriously, that's what the last 3 years have felt like. How many times can I get punched in the face before I am permanently disfigured though?! I pull myself up once again from the K.O. Punch, heal, recover, and start to think --foolishly--that life isn't so bad, everything's gonna be alright, and then BAM! Sucker Punched again! Am I on a pity pot sometimes? Well, hell yes! And is this missive full of pithy statements; bromides old over usage a thousand times? Yes, but I'm feeling pithy... pith...pit. Yes, so the words are perfectly coincidental to the Current Life of Gina. I have been torn down to the core (pith), my essential nature stripped and re-worked, I have been to the bottom (pit), and I am very literally working through WHO I AM again. The essential nature is there, but I can't find her, or I'd rely on her for strength. Now I'm seeing the direct results of stress, rather, I am feeling the direct results of stress. Like waking up to multiple texts about care issues related to my Dad. Now my chest is tight and it's difficult to breathe. The depression I felt 2015-16 almost killed me, but I survived. But now this. I can definitely and clearly see how stress and anxiety can kill a person. It is exhausting, as in, I wake up exhausted even after good sleep (and thank goddess a few good dreams lately). How does one live when they are continuously exhausted and anxious. Kava Extract has become my new BFF and Support System. Yes, I need more support, this is true. But how? Where? Who can I find to listen to my blather and throw me a pity-party or just LISTEN without judgement or advice-giving? Yes, I need the reminders of TAO, that the whirlpool eventually spits you out, quicksand can be avoided, and gravity doesn't always end in splat. I need reminders that my "inherent nature" CAN stay intact through these sucker punches. That if I allow everything to go on in life without struggle or resisting or fighting, my chest won't tighten and I can breath for one thing, and I'll survive and be okay.
Why aren't things different?
Why can't I change?
Why won't I do the things I know I need to do for self-care?
Why am I resisting?
I want reality to be other than it is.
I want to exercise daily.
I want to lose weight.
I want to have more energy.
I want to stop eating sugar.
I want to get out of the house more often.
I want to walk to school every day.
I want to ride my bike, run, climb, go to Bikram, and hike every day.
I want to feel energetic, "normal", and "lovin' life".
I want to accomplish all the things I put off because I just don't have the physical or psychic energy to complete them!
I want to do all these things that help me feel well, healthy, normal, and happy, but I can't seem to find the motivation or strength or energy or time to do them. Why? What's wrong with me?
The converse of this vicious circular coin:
I am doing what I need to do right now. I am working on energy centers and grounding techniques, I am practicing yoga and prana and meditation a bit more consistently, I am seeing an acupuncturist and TCM and also in conversation with a holistic MD. Slowly I will heal and return to a state of energetic enthusiasm. I know I can.
How is the question I should be asking:
(to be continued)
I should be thin, not fat
I should be out socializing, not at home alone.
My room should be organized, not the opposite.
I should be exercising, not inert.
I should be strong, not weak.
I should work more than I do.
The painting that I've been meaning to hang for months should be up...
Shall I go on with the myriad ways I struggle against What Is?
These should be different than they are.
Reality should not be as it is.
It should be better.
When things change, life will improve.
Struggle. Fight against the current.
Now should be different than it is.
I swim in one direction as the current flows the other way.
Who fights more? The current or me? Me.
Who suffers more? The current or me? Definitely, Me.
When I think all of these thoughts, that "it should be different than it is", I suffer. When I fight against what is Reality in the Now, I suffer. When I judge as "wrong" my Self, events, circumstances, Life... I suffer. Instead of embracing how Life is at This Very Moment and seeking the lesson or just floating downstream, I fight and struggle... and lose. What if it all is serving a grander purpose? What if it all brings me closer to my Highest Self? What if it all will help me manifest the change I seek? What if it all just IS?
I am uncomfortable with this new person; she is the opposite of what I have been all my life. The evolution to something newer, quieter, introspective, still, withdrawn, is not what I am used to. I am attached to the shell and what I thought I was. I am attached to labels I have spent a lifetime creating. The gross majority of my identities are no longer applicable and it is terrifying. I fear that I will l remain this way, rather than return to my former self, or create a new, better self. But why can't I accept what I am right now. I hold to truth that all changes, so wouldn't it stand to reason that this self I am experiencing now will also change into some other self? How can it not? In all my power, even I am not immune to change and transformation and circumstances that ebb and flow.
How can I focus on enjoying now and allowing? There is the answer, silly girl, focus on Now and Allow the rest to unfold. Allow who I Am now, enjoy this time of solitude, shrinking, stillness. Soon enough the bombast, expansiveness, and never-ending activity will return.
CONFIDENCE WITHIN AND SMALL CROSSINGS by Deng Ming-Dao
"Usually, a pairing of hexagrams in the I Ching is seen as one being the “opposite” of the other. Or perhaps another way to think of it is that one is the “reverse” of the other. In this case, I believe these two particular hexagrams to be the inverse of one another.
What is confidence? It’s the knowledge that you can cope with change—and that only comes with experience. So a book of divination is referring to your own inner divination. Confidence means that you can “predict the future” in that you know you can do what you say you’ll do. When a person can control their destiny to that degree, that is good fortune indeed.
The inverse of that is when we cannot control where our lives go. Then only small crossings are possible. For the I Ching, a crossing, as in crossing a body of water, is the symbol of a great venture. Sometimes, we can only cross small streams rather than ford wide rivers or sail great seas. If you think about it, we can step across small streams because they fit our scale—but we are not always able to embark on great ventures. Then confidence doesn’t matter, because outer circumstance doesn’t favor us.
That leaves us with this dilemma: how do we keep our confidence when conditions are unfavorable? That takes faith, and the patience to wait for cycles to turn our way again."
I don't recall being taught that life would have ups and downs; that the upturns always lead to downturns, and v.v. I learned, through direct parental teaching or modeling or observation or cultural/social pressures, that "Life's a bitch and then you die" or everything in my life should always "be good" and I should always "be happy" or I have failed. Resultingly, I have always tried to be "on", and be "successful" and "up" in every area. If I wasn't happy, something was wrong. If I made a lot of money but didn't like my job, (which on one hand defined success, so unhappiness was okay), there was "something wrong" with me or my attitude. The "shoulds" continue: I should always have lots of energy, plenty of money, be a leader, have a large social circle, be very spiritual, meditate an hour per day, exercise daily, eat very little, be pretty, be thin, be happy whether I was broke (in heart, wallet, mind, or body) or prosperous ...
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