That's rather redundant isn't it? Gratitude for Change? Change is occuring right Now, every millisecond. To be specific, I am grateful for positive change which I can speak out about. I saw a multitude of friends I have not seen in months and months, and of course the same banalities in conversation: "What's new? ... How's work?... What are you up to?..." The past year, my answer has been equally banal:"Nothing. Nothing. Nothing." But last night, with my my face alight (not just the contacts) and I can say "Wonderful!" -- thrice!
I felt like a braggadocio; exclaiming the wonders of my school and duties. Friends were "Ooh, Ahh...Wow!", with mouths agape. I am unendingly grateful to experience the changes over the past few years, and to be where I am in life, on all planes of existence. It was worth the wait, though I couldn't see that at the time. I even have begun to realize that everything changes and will continue to do so and I can accept that fact now. No longer fighting to stay on the crest, where the view is perfect and the ride is easy. Now I can expect the trough, and I slide down into it, take a deep breath, and relax, rather than struggle.
I had to repeat myself a lot last night (about my glowing contact lenses): "No, they don't hurt; Yes, I can see; Yes, I've worn contacts before; No, I don't need a prescription; No, I don't mind you staring; Sorry they are freaking you out!"
What I really enjoyed repeating over and over again, to the question of "How's your new school?", was "I love it!"
Dreams echo through my day. I am grateful for vivid, reality-infused dreams 꿈 that mimic events passed, and perhaps tell of things to come.
I create worlds and landscapes, sometimes repeated in a different night's sleep. I visited a library once, created anew, but definitely my old university library. In the past, I rushed through. Last night, I perused books and sought something vital. In no particular order, I climbed the cliffs of a deep archaeological dig, hesitating and scared at the top, for I looked down. There were deep pockets which provided more than adequate grips and finger-holes from which I pulled myself upward; but that last heave over the edge I could not manage without assistance. I feared my strength would fail to pull me up and over, just to get my knee upon the precipice... I breathed deep and encouraged myself silently, knowing I had the skill and just need to keep my eyes and movement up and forward. I resisted the person offering help; one great moment of force, and I was on top. Success.
Whether from the library or the top of the cliff, I appeared instantly on a motorcycle racing next to other speeding cars. Suddenly it is raining and I am taking a curve to fast; curiously, the fast breathing is what awakensme from sleep, later. In the dream, the brake looks like the ignition switch, and I can't seem to locate it. I inhale and hold my breath, roaring around the curve, maintaining my uprightness without a skid, releasing my breath as I finally locate the odd-shaped brake button. But then, traffic in front of me is stopped and I am violently trying to stop as I awake.
Or was I dancing when I awoke? To the touch of someone's skin.
In the past, I have dreamed of nightmare restaurant scenarios; always when stressed. This is my go-to dream scenario; a waitress with too many tables and making too many mistakes and no one to help. Last night, I was in a positive environment where everyone was helping each other and people were kind and teamwork was paramount. Hmm. This is definitely a day-residue dream reflective of reality! Yay!
So what the dreams tell me is that I will be climbing and motorcycling again soon, that I am skilled and ready for challenges and manage them coolly and effectively despite fear. I get the message I am supported and not alone.
I am grateful for my dream worlds. 내꿈은현실이다 ! My dreams are reality!
(Amnam in Busan, South Korea, my first crag climb.)
I am grateful for Saturdays: even though I awaken before 7am, I lie in bed, warm under my heated blanket, deducing whether and when to arise. I decide not to, and lie in bed reading for two hours. Then, I get up and boil my morning chai tea, and read some more. Six hours later, I am writing and researching; still in pyjamas, still drinking chai tea. Time for breakfast, different tea, and back to my contemporary trash-pulp fiction, the adventures of Jack Reacher. I love lazy Saturdays! Yay!
"The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities."
Sometimes, that priority is rest.
I'm grateful for goals, growth, opportunities, love, desire, school, books, my automobile, knowledge, freedom, open-mindedness ( mostly--ha!), and walking to work!
It was non-stop today, went from waking up to immediate Brekkie with Dad, at Hoover's...YUM! Then work til 5pm! Love it all! Love the Dad, and the food at Hoover's and how-I-choose-to-spend-my-time at school! Creativity abounds! Got caught up on weeks of work, both at home and school, since I've been sick, too! The Kindly Full Moon kept me up and drew creativity from my veins last night (why?) ... So I created a new piece of art which was fun. I thought I would be so tired today, but 5+ cups of coffee at Hoover's kept me going! I spent 11-5pm at school, and got everything done I needed to do! Yay! Plus some extra! I'm ready! What a great day! In essence, I'm grateful for it all!
Plus, my baby bro turned 28 today, and though I missed him, I'm hoping he had a great Bday! Love you Bro! Love you Daddy! Love you Hoover's - our new Sunday Brekkie spot!
I am grateful for financial prosperity!
An eye-opening aspect of poverty is one becomes directly attuned to the need for security and the lack of need for unnecessary items (those beyond food, shelter, and basic clothing).
Last month I was able to pay back a dear friend who helped me financially and emotionally during those dark, jobless times of the past two years. This month, I paid the final tuition bill due from my grad program (which I finished in 2015!). Yay! I've been able to sock away a large amount of my paycheck, simply because I refuse to spend money on things that are not a necessity. Of course, I've always been good at saving ---and then spending my savings LOL! I keep my monthly expenditures low so that I can save 25-50% of my paycheck. Yes, I've always done this. No, I do not have a massive savings, though.
Anyway, that's TMI. I am good at saving because I have the ability to be parsimonious with my income.
The point is, when it comes down to it, do I really need that $400 poofy chair I want, or can I find one for on Craigslist for less than one-quarter of that amount? Same for desk and bookcases. I have discovered the attraction of garage sales!
My income is considered "low income" (What do you expect? I am a teacher and the majority of Americans do not value quality education for their children, or the median income of an educator would be $75k!). It's even worse when compared to others my age with similar education and experience. However, let me restate emphatically how grateful I am for my current teaching post and how much I enjoy what I do, so that -- while the dollars DO matter A LOT! -- I am grateful for the salary base I receive! It is ENOUGH and I HAVE WHAT I NEED.
Yup, I am sooooo grateful for financial prosperity! I will find the bed frame and chair I want, when it comes along, and in the meantime, will sock away copious amounts of money. I certainly can't carry that chair on a thru-hike in the Ozarks, and I can't sleep in that bed when I vaca in Hawaii!!
What's important? Gratitude for what I have, knowing it is enough.
Told someone my birth year today and they were surprised; thought I was a lot younger! Yay! I'm grateful the last two years are starting to undo themselves and remove themselves from my face!
I had an informal review of "how things are going" with my school director this week, and she said I am doing everything she hoped I would be! Yay! I work with so many brilliant and experienced people that sometimes I feel inadequate, inexperienced, under-educated, and just "not good enough". Part of that is --of course-- my nature to be hard on myself and seek perfection. In recognizing that, I also have been gentle with myself during our first unit of learning (6 weeks long): allowing myself to ramp up, get used to our processes, and allow myself time to adjust physically, emotionally, and professionally.
I also think that not feeling like I'm "doing enough" or that I "am enough" (inadequacy) is a symptom of fear and old tapes. Although I have worked hard, studied, and have wonderful experience of my own in education, comparing myself to PhDs and people with 10-20 years in the field is not an approach that lends itself to me feeling like I know what I'm doing --ha!
The solution has been to remind myself that I was hired out of a pool of hundreds or thousands of very-qualified people, that I have a wealth of knowledge, am a great teacher, I love learning and sharing what I learn, and that my core values are in EXACT alignment of our school's! In that light, I am THE PERFECT FIT! And thus, why am I surprised to get positive feedback on my efforts? Ha!
In knowing that I am doing well, I am inspired to continue rather than coast. I wish to learn more and continue to improve in areas that are a challenge, or in areas where I lack experience. And the wonderful part of it all is that I am very confident in my abilities to do both!
However, I am still so grateful to receive affirmation that I "am enough", have been "doing enough", and that I am doing well as a Mentor at my school! Yay!
...is practicing gratitude every day for 365 days. Began on April 22, 2016, let's see how life changes over the course of this next year!