I am going to get massages every week for the next few weeks. I am getting acupuncture treatments twice weekly for the next few months. I am seeing my TCM for herbal tonics to realign and refuel my energy systems, starting with my kidney meridian, which just so happens to be linked to the emotion of fear! Fear, which I have been living in for years! I will slowly rebuild my health and feeling of well-being, and my fitness level will increase alongside, naturally. Instead of trying over and over again and feeling a sense of failure, I was able to imagine a reality filled with first with self-care and healing and ease. I felt so good last night, but it came from a sense of balance and ease, not a euphoric high of achievement (think: relaxation after yoga vs. running high).
I began asking myself, "What would life be like?" And "Imagine if...". I was imagining weekends filled with self-care activities and healthful activities that make me feel good, instead of rushing through to-do lists and events or zoning out with activities that numb and deaden me because I'm too drained to do anything else. I began imagining weekends spent at acupuncture, filled with rest and reading, practicing Qi Gong and Bikram, sitting outside to study, visiting my favorite coffee shop. I imagined spending a few nights during the week getting a massage and an acupuncture treatment, relaxing at a film, taking a walk.
All of these actions are obvious solutions, but when there is absolutely no energy left to do anything other than lie down, the solutions are not obtainable. As I move toward healing, I can see the future coming to fruition. Recently, I heard that my current status of health is only a "snapshot" of where I am now, it's not forever, and it's not immutable. This gives me hope as I sometimes think whatever I am going through (especially suffering) will last forever and that life will suck forever (especially being injured and out of shape). Part of my vision is to recall that this is not true, that my health and fitness will return.
I imagine coming home from school feeling grounded and relaxed, and spending enjoyable evenings feeling good. So it will be.
For all of this I am grateful.