I felt almost normal yesterday. I was "around people" almost all day yesterday, and I didn't feel depleted or like I needed to escape at any point. After the emotional and psychic trauma I experienced in 2015, along with physical trauma of injury and ill-health, and the resulting PTSD that combined with unemployment to leave me a fried-hot mess, I isolated myself from the world because it felt the most unsafe place to exist. Only in 2017 has some of that fear unraveled, and I have shifted back toward myself again; able to be in larger groups of people and enjoying "public affairs". I have regained so much of my sense of security that I don't feel I need to hide from the world any longer.
During these 2 years, I have sweated and pushed and strained to work through the trauma and its imprint on my heart and soul. It seems to finally be paying off. My past has included a goal set, a push toward change, and immediate results. Therefore, I have been flabbergasted that nothing has changed for me in the course of two years, and that I have even backslid in areas.
What was going on?
Will I be like this forever?
Is this what the rest of my life will look like?
Those thoughts were depressing.
Everything seems to be coming together again. I am re-made, and differently. It has not happened overnight and I still work not to work at it so hard--not struggle. That's the biggest struggle!
I felt normal yesterday...
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Big deal? Yes, for someone who has lived in an on-edge state of anxiety for the past few years. I fell into a deep and soundless pit of fear that offered no light until recently. Only this past few weeks have I experienced days free of anxiety and tightness in my chest. Only in the past few weeks have I thought that I might survive all "this" and that life might be worthwhile. I have finally made my way completely out of that pit--not temporarily--but free. Yes, yes, there will be other pits of darkness to navigate around, but I am confident that they will not be so deep and will only cause a stumble rather than a freefall into despair!
I have been cooking again. I have been present and energetic at school (and patient). My physical energy is returning, as is my health. My knee is nearly 100% and I my bike is fixed and ready to be tuned and ridden! I've been back at my daily practice of yoga (asana, pranayama, meditation) and have added in a new routine of QiGong. I've been reducing my calorie intake and am back eating a more balanced diet. I've been getting acupuncture twice weekly, along with drinking an herbal tonic prepared by my TCM. I have started mindfulness training and am more aware of my body's response to anxiety. I have returned to my normal habit of eating slowly and doing nothing else during that time except eating. I am smiling again. I am having fun with my kids instead of trying to make it through the day.
I have begun a return to life.
Yesterday, the experience of sitting in a theatre and enjoying an arthouse film gave me such pleasure. I was there, fully present (most of the time), and enthralled by an amazing restoration of a Russian film. The truck's issues are fixed. I had a nice visit with Dad.
It felt like a good day.
Whatever I did over break and whatever I've been doing this year (or three) has had cumulative effects. This is the first Sunday in months, probably the entirety of 2016, that I have not felt anticipation (aka: anxiety) and unpreparedness (no matter how prepped I am) for Monday.
Between the mindfulness practice, Qi Gong, acupuncture, TCM Kidney Tonic tea, and study and practice of Tao, have had little-to-no anxiety about work. Of course, I have prepped a lot, as well as organized/neatened the room, which makes my psychic work area and energy much calmer. Yay. It's all coming together! I was wondering when I'd feel some sort of shift or something would change, and it seemed like it did this past break.
I have tried and tried and struggled and struggled and fought and fought, to "fix", "change", "improve", but have fought and struggled and tried too hard. I have come to understand the meaning of "Do nothing. Do everything."
Now I will work toward Wu Wei, as in: approaching a task before it approaches me.
In readiness, I can relax.
In ease, the battle is won.
In relaxation, I master the ocean.
I can do anything through Kimchi, who strengthens me. LOLOLOLOL
Lots and lots of gratitude, peeps.