I've set up a sweet self-care spreadsheet with a checklist of intentions and action items for each day. One part is exercise, another is self-care, and the third part is social engagement. One of my daily habits is to write a gratitude post. So even when I awaken and feel a deep sense of dread about the day --due to work-- I can come up with a few things that help me regain some positivity and motivation, gratitude and hope. Unfortunately, the past few years have rewired my brain toward despondent, negative thinking patterns, so the easiest, already tread path is the dark one. I'm trying to create behaviors and thought patterns to undo that damage, and create new pathways for happiness--again.
I'm having a lot of second thoughts about being in China, specifically as a result of this job that is so unsatisfying and demoralizing. I do not want a major transition in my life again; living in China presents daily challenges and hardships, so I really wanted my second year to be a breeze, or at least without so many illnesses, injuries, and struggles--maybe like one a month or ever few months... please, Universe? But I'm having to face the fact that I need to start looking for a new job, and possibly leaving China if I can't find something suitable... in a more temperate city ... with clean air. Sigh.
I've created some coping mechanisms that have become habits that I can't seem to escape-- they prevent me from moving upward, forward... or just moving. Each day I intend to undo them and act differently--each day I feel failure.
But I will continue trying, because there is only one alternative, and I haven't figured out how to be successful at that yet either.
I find it harder and harder to find aspects of this job for which I can offer gratitude. I guess one would be the fact that it is a job; that's a good starting point. It is an IB job, so I have that to add to my resume. Having a job after struggling so much to get one in Austin is something for which I am grateful. I am not scraping by, living in poverty, terrified of what comes next when my money runs out. I've built up some savings and spent a lot on travel around China and now I am going to India!!! I've created a nice home space for myself; each time the door closes me in, I feel safe again and comfortable hygge in my home space.
I do have many things for which to be grateful afterall, and I just have to start writing to gather momentum. I've found a great TCM Dr. who is leading me in a new direction and helping me transition to a new phase in life. I have a couple of good friends here, at least one of which I will remain in contact with even after we go separate ways to new countries.
Finally, my intentions are there each day for me to attempt again. Even if it's only one a day--such as this gratitude post--that is one that I fulfill. And the biggest gratitude is that I only have to survive TWO more days in this week, and then another 5 next week and I will be away from the negative environment of school for 23 days!! Yay!