I keep looking for an intellectual or spiritual solution, when in fact, the origin is physical. I seem to think that fighting this with greater self-awareness and more meditation is the solution, instead of accepting this very physical process. I keep clinging to the person I "was", instead of remaining present with who "I am", now. I grip strongly to the identity I created for I am so fearful of losing that person--to be replaced by this current self that I dislike so very much. In seeking to change, in fighting acceptance, I am simply paving a path of self-incrimination and self-blame that I have done or am doing something "wrong" and what results from this "wrong action" is the current life I live.
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I acknowledge that this is the exact time in my lifespan that I need to be conserving and building reserves for the future, so that all my many years ahead are enjoyable and healthy rather than the bleak alternative. If I can build my Qi up and create (re-create) health and habits that support my health, the future of my life will filled with Light. I HAD all those healthy habits and I LIVED that lifestyle, but like that last slippery grip on the wall, when I have expended every last bit of muscle energy, I have lost my grip on that life and have fallen...am I still falling, or have I landed and am in the process of picking myself back up, resting, and planning a new strategy to ascend?
To return to the theme that ALWAYS returns, I need to ACCEPT where I am right now, be GENTLE WITH MYSELF, ALLOW INSTEAD OF STRUGGLE, and remember on a DAILY basis, that I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN. I must allow my body to heal itself and remove anxiety from my life, because it's my thoughts about all that is going on that are destroying me, rather than my physical symptoms.
The unfolding of all This Miscellaneous Blather leads to a list of Things that bring me Joy. In the times of recent self-introspection, I realized that I have no joy in my life. Even the things that normally fill my life with a sense of satisfaction or joy have not (teaching, being at school). I think the realization of this current (and hopefully temporary) truth came to consciousness when someone recently noted that I "look unhappy". I haven't even thought about happiness in months, I've just been struggling to survive this process and win the battle against my body (which, yes, is the complete incorrect way to bring myself back to healthy status when I view my body as the enemy--which I have/do). I realized, well hell!, I have no energy (or funds) left to do the things that make me happy. As my acupuncturist advised, I need to do things if they make me happy, or otherwise don't do them (exercise for one). Then I realized, even the things I am doing to restore and relax aren't bringing me joy, they are just a way to turn off the thoughts that pollute my mind and avoid feeling bad/guilty about all the things I am not doing to make my life better (exercise/socializing). There's another woe: shoulding myself to be like I used to be, when right now, that's just not how it is.
Ultimately, I created a list so that I could begin a return to the feelings of satisfaction, happiness, and joy. All of them are not realizable right now, but if I can do some, even halfway, I will begin to see the light in This Darkness and perhaps I can girt my inner self with strength and hope.
What Brings Me Joy?
A Random List
- Having a lot of books
- Reading, learning, studying
- Riding my motorcycle out into the country
- Having a dog
- Hiking unknown trails in the mountains
- Biking around the city
- Playing chess
- Having a clean, organized, Hygge home environment
- Having a Hygge environment that is pleasing to my eye
- Sitting outside in the morning and evening
- Going to movies
- Listening to music
- Feeling healthy and good
- Feeling vibrant and energetic
- Feeling confident and prepared for school
- Knowing I can do anything I want in life
- Working in a clean, organized, Hygge space
- Having a goal(s) to work toward
- Planning and experiencing adventure trips
- Physical touch
- Jjimjilbang visits
- Hot baths
- Sitting in a Hygge atmosphere with candles and listening to music while drinking wine
- Enjoyable times with friends
- Feeling free of anxiety and stress
- Feeling self-aware and present
What can I do today to bring some joy into my life?