The more I study goddess archetypes, feminine archetypes, matriarchy in society, and the like, the more my desire builds to continue my studies of philosophy of women in some form or other, when I continue my education to achieve my PhD in Philosophy. The authors I am reading are manifesting the words that I feel, that I have been unable to coherently express. The knowledge is there, but perhaps the acceptance and expression is not. I am not necessarily learning anything New to other women, but I am learning knowledge new to me; knowledge under the surface, always held within my bones, but never brought forth into realization. See? It's hard for me to coherently describe what I think and feel. I know there is awakening and epiphany, learning and acceptance. There are also deep, deep feelings of anger and injustice at how more than 50% of the human populace has been oppressed, abused, denied rights, and even worse still; it is 2016 in the so-called modern society of America, we still live under patriarchal rule where business dictates lesser pay and government controls my body. Like so many other women–and still in current times!–I was raised to dislike the roundness and fullness of my body; I was taught to be ashamed of my bodies process: blood of menstruation and lack of blood in menopause; our culture suggests we put ourselves to sleep while we give birth, and deny our desires and dreams so that our husbands and children can fulfill theirs. I have the anger of centuries of women, I feel the oppression of millennia in my collective consciousness. I study all of this to move through my own period of awakening, to come into my authentic self, to see vividly my subconscious drives that have dictated my outward actions. I seek to evolve, and this is part of the process. It is difficult to quell my desire it rebel against this society, to separate myself from it: I don't feel part of this age culture, which is probably part of the reason I have a continual desire to leave. Where can I find my sisters who celebrate feminine wisdom and value the archetypes of womanhood?
I am in the midst of another transition. More accurately, I am passing through the transition, but only now seeing it as such and learning to honor it. I am having a major awakening regarding this change, as well!
I recognize my need in the past year or so of moving inward, self-retreat, isolation, and being alone. I have fought and struggled against it, as my personality is one of expansion and moving outward. It is strange and difficult to want solace inside, by myself. I've always enjoyed times alone; craved them in fact. Finally, I can see that this move inward, especially the past year or so is to find security and safety in a world that seems to threaten my very existence: this world has made me question both my ability and desire to continue in life. How I wish I had a mentor along this path to show me that this transition is normal, to teach me to welcome it, even! I have had to learn this on my own and it has been a strenuous, life-sucking, energy-sapping journey to make all alone. If only someone had told me! And yet, in my truth--that I only just recently acknowledged--I realize (now) and can accept, that I needed to find my own path, otherwise my growth would have been cushioned and retarded.
In my past, when I sought security and retreat, when I had a deep inner need to hide and isolate myself from the world and its demands and its stresses, I simply gained 10-30 lbs. My poor body image then validated the reason to stay inside and hide and succor myself with sweetness through food (sweetness sought from others or life or myself, that I had not received). I was unconsciously seeking solitude, yet refused to give myself permission to do so. Perhaps, however, I did not know that I was "allowed" to retreat; that this was an "okay" action. I learned to rationalize my choice to hide from others because I was (reality: not "was", but "perceived myself as") "overweight" and "unattractive" (translated into the branded-on-American-womens'-souls cultural message: "unworthy").
Currently, I am learning to retreat from the world with awareness. Ending the struggle makes it soooooo much easier! The most recent epiphany I had was that I can retreat and go inward, hide and isolate, be safe and secure in myself and in my solitude without gaining weight! I now give myself permission to hide, and recognize the need. I no longer "need" to gain 10 lbs., feel bad about myself because "I'm fat" and "unattractive", and then assume everyone else in the world thinks the same, and so stay home and hide my "unattractive" and "shameful" self from the public! In the past, I forced myself into retreat by increasing my weight and subsequently, hiding from the world the best I could. Now I can move inward without offering excuse to the world. I am coming to accept that this is part of who I am, and that there is nothing wrong with it. I am learning, that perhaps I AM NOT just the fiery, expansive, social woman who changes the world. I am also the quiet, introspective, flowing, silent, inward-turning hermit who hides from the world. I no longer have to struggle against the contradiction and dichotomy; the reflection of darkness to light; the expansion and inhibition. I am all of it. I now give myself permission to be "unsocial", to decline invitations, to submerge in the depths of a book or movie--repeatedly and for nights on end--to do "nothing", to "be nothing". They are all Me. If I want to hide from the world, it is my gift to myself. I have always been the Strong girl. I don't want to be that all the time, anymore.
And so in that awareness, I learn that perhaps I am not One, but Many.
She saw it, and it was Good.
...Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes