What is it that I need? I know I need...
(click Read More to right)
I wonder if I am gaining weight because I desperately need grounding? Is it a way to keep me safe from something from which I am unaware that I need protection? Dating? Being "out in the world"? Summer and swimsuits? My big stressors --that were events-- are over, relatively speaking (certification test) There's still some stress at work, (classroom really disorganized, PD presentation, lesson planning). I still have two work projects that need completion (my PD Presentation and Lesson Planning), then there's the fucking IRS. Beyond that, I feel okay. I'm doing more work to get grounded, and yet...I've gotten into this habit of the part of inertia that states "a body at rest tends to stay at rest...". And I'd rather sit and read in the morning (instead of exercise) before school, sit all day on the weekend and read and not get up. I also feel tired a lot and lack motivation. So while I visualize and intend to exercise, it's easier just to sit with the book or iPad and tea and continue sitting, under the ruse that I am "learning", "writing", or "enjoying" reading. Meanwhile, there's just an undercurrent of stress created by the "shoulds" of "I should be exercising instead of sitting here for hours and hours". I'm craving sweets like crazy, and I just want to be by myself in my room. Yet at the same time, I want to be out in the world meeting people, having fun in the sun, riding my bike. Then I get self-conscious and think about how fat my body is and worry that people will look at me and think I'm fat or judge me. Then I see that's ridiculous and know that this fear is a projection because I am looking at myself, judging myself for weight gain, and thinking all sorts of negative thoughts about my body and how I look.
What is it that I need? I know I need...
(click Read More to right)
Wonderful dinner with wonderful people last night! I always find it astonishing how friendships are formed through mutual resonance; there may or may not be a lot in common, but souls attract souls and a mutual affinity is discovered. I am curious if these souls knew each other in past lives and then reunited once again in present times to replay or complete a drama. Perhaps it is the same with family members and romantic relationships. It fascinates me, the attraction to another person (I don't mean solely romantic attraction, here, I also refer to friendships, energetic attraction... all forms): the cause behind it, the subconscious or conscious motive force... and how our friendships grow, reduce, end, and begin. What draws us to a person in our 20s, repels us in our 40s (I would be divorced 4 times over if I had married anyone I dated in my 20s LOL). I am equally confounded as to how some people do not (cannot?) evolve over the course of their lives. I've had various friendships during my life--some lasting 30 years, some 5-10-- that have grown deeper, or have ended, or have drifted apart then returned to closeness. I've had friendships that have formed in the past few years that offer equal emotional intimacy of my long-term friendships. As I reflect on my friends throughout the years, I cannot help but wonder who my friends will be in another 20 years, and along with that, how I will have evolved in that time period...
I feel ready--as ready as I can be anyway. I don't feel as though I studied enough or used my time off as wisely as I wished I had, but here I am, 40 minutes away from the State of Florida Elementary Education Sugject Area Exam. I am going in to the test positive and confident, based on passing the last two exams; positive and confident because I won't let a negative thought enter my mind and this is all material I've covered at some point, so I am counting on this fabulous brain of mine to retrieve it as needed!
Passing this exam, and resultingly, receiving my state teaching certificate opens so many doors for me, but most importantly, the door I WANT to open and walk through: a posting at an International School. This school will be...somewhere abroad! Not that I'm leaving anytime soon; I plan to remain at Integrity for another school year--at minimum. I love it there too much; not only is it a perfect fit for me, I am a perfect fit for the school!
What's interesting is that these certifications are truly null when it comes to teaching ability, teaching talent, and determination of whether or not I am a "good teacher". These kind of exams (or any standardized test they use in school these days and of days past) only indicate that I excel at memorization and regurgitation. The could have looked at all my grades from all the education institutions I attended to determine my talent at that. And the fact that I have successfully taken and passed numerous national certification board examinations, such as the GRE, MCAT, and Series 7 (harder than LSAT or anything out there!)
What has made me a great teacher is my desire to be one, my experience teaching in schools the past few years, as well as my experience teaching diving and yoga. The cardinal factor is my own desire to learn and share knowledge in a kind and compassionate manner.
That said, time to go. Coffee drank. Smoothie Guzzled. Positive attitude and confidence saddled for the short journey.
I will pass all four of these exams today! I will do it!
During the darkest times they told me:
"What a beautiful experience you are having!"
Venturing back, blinking, into the Light
(or Evenness of Equanimity),
"I am so grateful!"
Three Types of Attraction and Examples of Each
In meeting someone, there may be instant attraction on a chemical/physical and or psychic level "psychic" as in soul/mind, not supernatural). If not, over a short duration of becoming acquainted, a feeling of connection arises. This exposition will not address instant physical attraction, but references the emotional response brought about by energetic connection resulting from either conscious awareness, subconscious leanings, or both. The assumptions are not limiting nor encompassing of all forms of attraction to another.
The following categories of emotional attraction correspond to varied levels of personal evolution, differentiated along scales of emotional self-awareness, open-heartedness, and spiritual maturity.
1) The attraction comes from something that they have which is lacking in your own life, or something wanted. Perhaps it is lifestyle, attitude, or persona. This lack may or may not be conscious, and thus the drive behind the desire may or may not be realized. For instance, an introvert being attracted to an extrovert. A person who craves adventure in their life feeling attracted to a care-free spirit is also a good example. This type of attraction is the basis for the axiom "opposites attract".
2) The attraction originates from a sense of complement or balance. There is a sense that the person will bring balance in life and complement emotional desires or lifestyle choices. This calls for being a step up the hierarchy of self-awareness -- in some cases. Athletes dating other athletes is a good example: there are complementary activities and habits to share. Being attracted to someone with a similar lifestyle and outlook falls into this category: the person demonstrates similarities, rather than the differences found in the "opposites attract" phenomenon, as mentioned above. Those on a specific life path seek others on the same path, for example. On this level, the attraction tends to stem from conscious awareness, emotional maturity, and relational experience. Then again, this "like attracts like" theory may be due to social and cultural mores, and thus, the attraction is birthed from hidden motives forced by unacknowledged external pressure.
3) The attraction originates from the recognition of Yourself in the Other. Not only is there coincidence in outlook and lifestyle, and perhaps even a balance of some opposite (yin-yang), but there is recognition of the true Essence of the other, regardless of differences. There is no unconscious search to fill the lack. There is no unconscious search for an opposite. There is resonance in lifestyle and acknowledged common desires. Balance in life is near or has already been attained, and the only search is the one for a companion with whom you can share the evenness of life. In recognition of the fullness and completeness of one's own Self, in acknowledging connection to all life, in knowing the human need for connection, the other is seen as part of Self and part of that greater Whole. Divine nature is recognized and they are held in love, with space for freedom to remain or to leave. Since one embodies fulfillment and completion, there is no need to seek it in another. This third type of attraction encompasses emotional awareness, authentic relating, open-heartedness, compassion, and spiritual maturity.
Love does not need an intention or object to love.
It is the highest expression of the being in recognition of itself.
It is the unity of Being.
Your being just radiates this love - effortlessly.
You are just your Self.
It is a state of emptiness.
It is there when you leave your luggage outside.
Luggage means who you think you are and
who you want to be.
Then it simply awakens in you because there is a space now for the beautiful One,
the presence of the Holy Father, the Holy Mother, the Holy Spirit, the One Supreme consciousness.
Be empty of 'you'.
And It shines in that space - timelessly.
Image derived from Anodea Judith's book and found on radicalselflove.wordpress.com
...Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes