I need to remember this! I had forgotten! I learned a few years back (finally) that I recover from any fall, whether it's a rock wall or a broken heart, and that everything in my life always works out for good, and for better, actually. I've lost sight of that the past few months. I'm trying to gain back my positive perspective. The last few years have kind of worn me down in terms of being able to be positive and look forward. I've been in a temporary-perpetual state of financial desperation and had finally got out of that in Korea, only to dig myself the hole again since returning to ATX. Now I'm going to try diggin' out again. What I want more than anything is to feel prosperous and grateful and happy and positive, even amidst troubles and upset. I used to be able to do that. I feel like I need to find a purpose again. I feel like I'm just drifting. Even though I'm in school and about to start work, I feel like it's all mechanical, like I don't have anything I really relish or look forward to. I'm enjoying Bikram and time with friends of course, but I don't have any interest that I'm pursuing. I don't feel vital.
Does this make sense? I don't have a bike to ride, so I can't do that which I love. I can't rock climb right now. I'm just drifting along in school and life. It's insipid. I'm not complaining (really), I'm just observing. I feel like I'm just surviving until I can make things better. But I want to feel better about life now, because that's how more "better" comes along. I've gotten into some detrimental habits, or rather, I've neglected some of my beneficial habits, and gotten into some bad habits. I've been in a funk. Of course, it's winter and rainy and dreary and effing cold and I have no transportation, so the funk follows :-) Maybe I'm too forward looking. But I'm acknowledging this. I know I need to be more present and happy in the NOW. That's what I'm saying.
I do have a lot to be grateful for, and I am. I know I need to manage my time better, get out of the house, and exercise regularly, get back into my positive frame of mind by doing what has worked in the past and still does, being grateful, reading inspirational books and focusing my mind. Awareness.
I'm just saying I recognize a pattern and I want to change it.