It seems I repeatedly become dissatisfied with my jobs, and yet I am at a loss for what to do to provide an income for myself so that I don't have to kowtow to the unthinking, creativity-stifling, opinion-crushing, bureaucratic machines which employ me to be their unmindful, disembodied drone. Why must The Machine inhibit opinion and creativity? Why am I continually discouraged from voicing my opinion? Why must I be incurably positive and speak not unless it is saccharine platitudes of "everything is great". As life moves forward, I am repeatedly bombarded with the message that my uneven, asymmetrical circle does not fit their monochrome square holes -- I don't fit and I don't belong. Anywhere. Then how do I live? What is the point in existing?
I have to walk into a workplace that claims to celebrate diversity and international-mindedness, but this is all a lie. They want the blonde cheerleader look; an English speaker holding the American pedigree, but they want me to act and think (or rather, NOT think) like all the other black-haired, obsequious drones with whom I work-- those whom lack critical thinking skills, or even the ability to think for oneself. The ability to be creative is squashed at every turn. And they squash all these skills in their children as well. It makes me physically sick.
But then, I must return to my responsibility and question my thoughts and actions. Is it their actions that make me suffer or my thinking about their actions that causes my suffering? Sometimes I wish I had remained ignorant to to self-knowledge and evolution, so I could go through life blaming everyone else. I can't seem to figure it out how to maintain the habit of looking inward for answers and finding contentment that lasts.
I can't seem to find happiness. I cant' find it in myself or "out there". Others can face the drudgery of a job they hate, one that conflicts with their opinions or morals, or remain to be treated like trash, and simply accept that this is "how it is"... but I can't! Thus, another flaw. Why can't I accept circumstances I dislike or don't believe in? Why can't I just "go with the flow" and stop expecting to get some portion of life satisfaction through my work? What is inherently wrong with me that has made it so difficult for me be satisfied? Am I too brilliant a light, too creative a soul, too sensitive a human being? Possibly all of that, but those characteristics simply serve to alienate me again from the majority of humanity and enhance the impossibility of "getting along well with others". Or am I just simply a flawed misanthrope who is genetically incapable of being happy because I had a shitty childhood and have been in too many dysfunctional relationships and have moved too much, all of which have nurtured the fucked-upness that resides in me that all the years of reading self-help books, going to therapy, inculcating my mind with positive thinking mandates, and living in yoga ashrams just cannot cure?
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