What do you do when all of your defense mechanisms are of no use? I don't have the energy to run away. Anger no longer approaches me and offers itself as a weapon. There is no numbing agent that offers efficacy.
I am an expert at running. I learned that in first grade the first time I ran away from home from one divorced parent, trying to find the other. I got spanked and chastised as a result, yet, I learned I was good at running away and did it frequently throughout childhood and adulthood. Somewhere in my 40s I learned it doesn't serve me or help me. Now, I just don't know where to run, how to run, or if it would even do any damn good to make a geographic escape.
Anger served me well for two solid decades. Boy, could I get pissed off and then run for 10 miles. Damn, I was so good at being angry. And I was a great runner too! Not running away, just running. All I needed was to be angry and then I felt no other emotion than the desire to act. And I always did. I was so good at accomplishing and changing things--whether it was circumstances, jobs, people. I was a mobilizer and effector. I was The Motor That Changed The World.
Now. I have none of my dependable mechanisms, and so I just sit and cry and can do nothing. I find it easier to not act. Yet I don't find that Tao, I find it weak, ineffectual... powerless. The crying makes me physically weak; I can't even eat. Drinking is no solution as I can't get numb enough.
I have no solution. I have no defense mechanism to save me. I don''t know what to do with all this. But it's unbearable and something has to be done.