Act as if, act as if.
Live from the end result.
Visualize and imagine.
I'm trying, I'm trying! I lay in bed last night, imagining my reaction to the "You're hired" phone call from Sudbury. This morning, during my normal routine of reading something inspirational/journaling, I let out a loud yell of "Yes!" just like I will do when I get the "You're hired" call. That felt good!
I keep thinking I will be happier when life is more secure and more settled; when I get "this job" and my financial stress ends (or is alleviated with a regular and adequate salary), and when I have $$$ to buy a vehicle and move into my own place. I will feel organized and have a "purpose" and stop feeling like I'm just moving through each day in survival mode/fear mode/dread mode/depressed mode/life sucks mode... I'll feel like I can do things again without fear of $$ or time or whatever.
What I've realized is that I have to live from that feeling now, I can't spend another week with the Pendulum of Waiting swinging over my life; controlling me. That's the main issue: I don't know what's going to happen and it's driving me nuts! I feel like I'm stuck in this Muck of Waiting to start life while I wait for the "right job" to start. I guess I just need to start life. I need to live from the happiness now. Yes, yes, yes, this has been drilled into my head and spirit over and over, but it doesn't hit home til it's needed, I guess...
The oddest thing happened two nights ago. I started writing what will become a novel, when it is complete. A full page and a half on printer paper, flowed with ease, and a good stopping point came that will allow continuation. It's all in my head and feels doable. I've never had the inclination to write fiction before, or perhaps I needed an inspiring topic to interest me. I've got one.
Tentative title is "Day 1095", but that will change.
Will it be published? I don't care. I don't need to be published to be considered a writer. Besides, I won't have fame until I'm dead, go insane, or start drinking and acting like a crazed writer.
Maybe I should try that!