The post to the right is from one year ago today. It makes me sad. Not sad in the memory, but sad that a human can be so heartless, so unfeeling, so deceitful. It still blows my mind that people can hurt each other so much. Of all my relationships, a marriage, long-term relationships and loves, short-term relationships of simple attraction, I never, ever, ever, felt like a person had intentionally "fucked me over emotionally". I have felt hurt, I have caused hurt. I have had relationships end in anger and drama. But I have never, until the last relationship with Todd Langton, been lied to and destroyed on such a deep level. One year later, I still feel the turmoil, hurt, and anger. Of course, much of that is due to all the repercussions in my life as a direct result of his actions. I still find it hard to forgive. Yet still, I try. It is just such a shock to read my own statement, and recall those feelings. To feel "fucked over emotionally". It's a sad experience to look back on. It hurts to know that it can happen at all, not just to me, but to anyone. Yes, I am naive, I suppose. But I prefer to think of it as hopeful and positive (both are qualities in myself I cherish but was criticized to no end by the same person above for being those).
I have used the term "fuckwittage" as a joke, applied to those that "fuck up your world" and "break your heart". But it's more humourous than anything, fuckwittage being an act of fucking someone over romantically by leading them on, acting the coquette or Lothario... But a Fuckwitt is not a person who outright lies and deceives. He/She is simply a Liar (and horrible person). So I would never lower the standard of the word Fuckwittage by applying it to Todd, because then that lowers the bar and the sound of laughter in my memory when I think of some of the Fuckwits I've dated. I look back at them and laugh and feel affection, but no remorse! With Todd, I feel absolute and pure regret. I still do! The irony being I do not even regret my marriage! I regret no relationships I've ever had, except the one with Todd Langton. I suppose I need to come up with a vile word to describe him, so as not to corrupt Fuckwit, and debase that term by his presence. Ha! But what could it possibly be? Vile Liar? So boring. Perhaps he deserves no name, and to drop into anonymity––to a forgotten place. Believe me I try. And I shall keep trying to erase all memories of him from my life. I delete most FB posts that even reference him. And of course, all photos. I would have much rather dated a Fuckwit than him. Much less damage to my psyche, heart, and life!
There is fiction. There is life. What is the difference?
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