Once caught in the cycle of negativity, it's sooooo terrifically difficult to get out of that pattern. Taoism instructs me to master change; i.e., expect it, accept it, flow with it. Therefore I should be able to leap gracefully over the depressive suckage of quicksand, innately knowing "this too shall pass", because nothing remains the same. Yet, I feel blinded by these repeated dark spells and frequently find myself losing any hint of that godsdamn "light at the end of the tunnel". I am supposed to face these repeated challenges with my "essential nature intact", though somehow, like Pan's shadow moving independently, I seem to have lost that nature or the ability to hang on to it. Perhaps because I was hanging on to life so tightly to just survive, I had to let that go, or fall. Life finally seems to have had its fill with toying with Gina, and then No! Let's punch her in the face again and see if she can take another hit! Seriously, that's what the last 3 years have felt like. How many times can I get punched in the face before I am permanently disfigured though?! I pull myself up once again from the K.O. Punch, heal, recover, and start to think --foolishly--that life isn't so bad, everything's gonna be alright, and then BAM! Sucker Punched again! Am I on a pity pot sometimes? Well, hell yes! And is this missive full of pithy statements; bromides old over usage a thousand times? Yes, but I'm feeling pithy... pith...pit. Yes, so the words are perfectly coincidental to the Current Life of Gina. I have been torn down to the core (pith), my essential nature stripped and re-worked, I have been to the bottom (pit), and I am very literally working through WHO I AM again. The essential nature is there, but I can't find her, or I'd rely on her for strength. Now I'm seeing the direct results of stress, rather, I am feeling the direct results of stress. Like waking up to multiple texts about care issues related to my Dad. Now my chest is tight and it's difficult to breathe. The depression I felt 2015-16 almost killed me, but I survived. But now this. I can definitely and clearly see how stress and anxiety can kill a person. It is exhausting, as in, I wake up exhausted even after good sleep (and thank goddess a few good dreams lately). How does one live when they are continuously exhausted and anxious. Kava Extract has become my new BFF and Support System. Yes, I need more support, this is true. But how? Where? Who can I find to listen to my blather and throw me a pity-party or just LISTEN without judgement or advice-giving? Yes, I need the reminders of TAO, that the whirlpool eventually spits you out, quicksand can be avoided, and gravity doesn't always end in splat. I need reminders that my "inherent nature" CAN stay intact through these sucker punches. That if I allow everything to go on in life without struggle or resisting or fighting, my chest won't tighten and I can breath for one thing, and I'll survive and be okay.
Maybe.
Maybe.
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